Tuesday, February 16, 2010

It Cannot Be Done

The most important thing is perhaps the moment. It is difficult to distinguish the moment from those preceding it. I don't know if this is a good thing. It can make you hesitate, think over a decision a number of times. It can make you inhibited.

But most of all, the moment is ephemeral. Once it is gone, it is difficult to retrieve. It passes, and you are left unsatisfied, drained, worried, encumbered. Thinking back to the moment, you feel like you couldn't express yourself adequately then. Thoughts remained unsaid. Principles remained unspoken.

If you plunge into the moment, you may be left with a bitter after-taste, reconsiderations, recriminations, re-checks, resurgent feelings of stupidity. Either way, the moment is dangerous. It can take you anywhere. It can change you all of a sudden.

Had such a moment today. An assignment. I said I had finished it satisfactorily. Had done my utmost to complete and present things when done. He said that he needed details. I provided them, to the best of my memory. He said he needed more details.

More details.

It isn't sufficient to do one's work - the panopticon has too many peep-holes. Each one of them must be satisfied with a daily report of happenings and goings-on.

Everyday you assuage the bulging horror of angry, unhappy eyes. Everyday you are reminded of the inadequacy of pulling them, the eyes, to you.

So, ulltimately, when the moment comes, you must learn to gracefully leave and say it cannot be done.

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